Title: Drunken Sailor
Summary: Kirk, McCoy, and Scotty go on shore leave,
there's trouble and then it's Spock to the rescue.
Disclaimer: I don't own TOS. I never have, and I never will. Star Trek
and all of its relations are property of Paramount and Viacom. I only own this story. No posting to any site or list without
author permission. This is really intended as humor, not to be taken offensively. If somebody is blatantlyagainst homosexuality,
then please, just go watch a nice movie like Cinderella.
May 25, 2003
Captain Kirk, Doctor McCoy, and Commander Scott stood in front
of the transporter room. They dressed themselves in their off-duty uniforms, and they all anticipated the latest bout of shore
leave they had managed to receive from Head Quarters. They had been less excited three hours ago, when the lesser ranking
officers had beamed down, but the knowledge that it was their turn had caught up with them, and there was no wiping the grins
from their very human faces.
Not everybody was as thrilled with this as they were, and that person was Commander Spock,
who stood before them, there to operate the transporter. The Vulcan did not believe in taking shore leave unless it was absolutely
necessary. Thus, he had volunteered to stay aboard and keep watch while the rest of the crew beamed down to enjoy themselves.
was not as though he was averse to company; it was simply that the activities known on that planet were not for him. The planet,
to his knowledge, held thirteen casinos, sixty-eight pubs, and twenty-five houses of pleasure. The Vulcan needed none of that
and this was why he stayed.
Captain Kirk turned to look at the Vulcan, "Keep an eye on her, Spock, we'll be back sometime
tomorrow afternoon. I expect no trouble from you."
Spock raised his eyebrow, "Captain, trouble from me should be the
least of your concerns."
McCoy and Scotty chuckled, McCoy answering with an "I don't know about that" and a wink, while
Scotty piped in with an agreeing "Aye."
Spock said nothing, and returned his attention to Captain Kirk, "I will finish
the diagnostics whilst you are on the planet."
Kirk nodded, "Understood, Spock, although I still think you should come
down with us; you might enjoy it."
"I think not, Captain. Enjoy yourselves on your leave."
Kirk nodded and looked
to his other friends. The three of them climbed aboard
the transporter. "Beam us down, Mister Spock," came the Captain's
Spock's fingers traveled over the controls, and just as the humans began to shimmer, he heard the Doctor say,
"Don't worry, I'll get you a souvenir at Le Magasin de Plaisir." They were gone before the Vulcan could respond.
the planet, the shore leave started out relatively nicely. The three officers went to a restaurant, and had a nice dinner
with real meat. Then they went to a show wherein Scott had the time of his life and Kirk got two communicator numbers. As
they were leaving, Scott turned to McCoy, "What's the matter, Len? Didn't you have fun?"
McCoy smiled, "Sure did, one
of the ladies even told me where I can get a male version of that leather costume for Mister Pointy Ears back on the ship."
laughed, "The only thing that'll raise is his eyebrow, Bones."
McCoy shrugged. "It's worth the try, isn't it?" Then
he pointed at a bar across the street, "That looks like a nice addition to the evening. Shall we go gentlemen?"
other two officers nodded in agreement. They crossed the street and the doors swung open, revealing a large crew of men, of
all races. They approached the bar to put in their orders. A nice evening of drinking was ahead of them; the night was still
It was at 0218 hours that the Enterprise received a hail
from the planet. Spock looked up from the padd of the latest technological developments of the Rigellian sector to answer
it. Putting it on screen, the tired face of one of the planet workers met his. "Commander Spock, First Officer of the Enterprise
The tired man pinched the bridge of his nose instead of greeting. Simply he asked, "You're in charge of the
Starship crew that pulled in here?"
Spock nodded, "While the Captain is on leave, I am. How can I be of assistance?"
were forced to arrest three of your crew early this morning. They had been in one of the local pubs, "The Floating Tonic"
and it seems a fight broke out. I think somebody might have insulted one of them, because that's when the first punch was
thrown. It turned into a huge brawl; everybody inside was taken into custody. Some of the injuries are pretty bad, but your
crew looked pretty good; they must have fought very well. That's how I knew they were Starfleet before I checked. Anyway there's
some thousand credits worth of damage to the pub, and I can't let them out unless their Commander picks them up. I need to
warn you; they're pretty soused. Do you want to leave them overnight?"
The Vulcan considered this for a moment. On
the one hand, they were harmless in jail and keeping them overnight may teach them to not start fights. On the other hand,
it was a foreign establishment and confinement to quarters would be the Starfleet punishment. Without the irritation a human
would display, he said, "I will beam down to take them back to the ship. They will be punished and when the Captain comes
back from leave, I am certain they will learn
The man nodded, "I'll see you in ten minutes." Then the
comm. channel was cut.
Spock put down his padd and grabbed four automatic transportation patches, placing one on his
chest. The other three would be automatically activated when he beamed up. He beamed himself down to the planet.
walk was quick to the Sheriff's office, and Spock entered. He showed his Starfleet Identification badge to the guard who led
him to the Sheriff. He nodded, and the man picked up his keys and led the Vulcan to the back where the cells were located.
As they walked, the Vulcan's acute hearing detected what sounded like a Scottish man, obviously inebriated, saying
to somebody "Lads, ready for a song?" followed by several affirmative answers. When they were closer, the song began and then
the sheriff too heard the sound of three drunken voices
beginning to sing in mock harmony "What do you do with a drunken
sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning?"
were unmistakable to the Vulcan, and when they arrived at the cell, his suspicions were confirmed. Inside the cell were Kirk,
McCoy, and Scotty, all very drunk. Kirk was laying down on a cot, his eyes closed while he sang, McCoy sitting up against
the wall, a lopsided inebriated grin on his features, and Scott stood and paced, seemingly conducting.
asked, "Are these your men?"
Spock, almost in disbelief, nodded in the affirmative.
The sheriff handed him
a padd. "Sign here, please." Wordlessly, the Vulcan signed his name. Then the sheriff undid the force field around the cell
and directed his voice at the three no longer prisoners. "Your commander just met your bail. You're free to go. Get some coffee
for God's sake. And stop singing." Then the sheriff turned on his heels and went back to his desk.
McCoy smiled and
climbed off the floor, not completely successfully as he made a grab for Scott to get his balance and only succeeded in pulling
the Scotsman down with him.
Spock suppressed a sigh as he went to help the Doctor and now the Engineer to his feet.
"Gentlemen, we are going back to the ship and you are going back to your quarters." The Vulcan then placed a patch on both
McCoy and Scott. Then he crossed over to Kirk and helped him to his feet, placing a patch on his shirt as well, before exciting
Kirk got over to the others and wrapped his arm around Scotty and McCoy's shoulders as they followed behind
Spock, as the Vulcan led the way out. The drunken men just continued singing. "Shave his chest with a rusty razor. Shave his
chest with a rusty razor. Shave his chest with a rusty razor, early in the morning."
Spock simply tapped his patch
and dematerialized, the three humans shimmering behind him.
they were back on the ship, the Vulcan led the Engineer to his quarters, while the other two humans hung onto him singing
"Tie him in a knot to the highest yardarm."
Making certain the engineer was safe, he led to Kirk to his quarters, while
the two other humans stumbled, their voices refusing to be silenced, "Put him in the brig until he's sober." Spock made certain
Kirk was able to function and then led the still inebriated McCoy to his own quarters.
He helped the Doctor out of
his uniform and into the shower, and then all but carried him into the bed, tucking him in. As he reached to turn out the
light, he heard the Doctor softly and provocatively drawl "Put him in the bed with the Vulcan First Mate. Put him in the bed
with the Vulcan First Mate. Put him in the bed with the Vulcan First Mate, early in the morning."