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Title: Star Trek Outtakes Part III: The Search for Sanity
Author: Tempest
Series: TOS
Rating:
PG-13 for implied sexual innuendo and mild swearing.
Summary: I'd been on a roll for a while, but the writer's block set
in,
so here we are again with more bloopers. It's my pleasure to
present: Bloopers from TOS Part III: The Search for Sanity..
For
these bloopers to be understood, certain changes and assumptions
have been made. 1) All of the characters are the
same on screen as
well as off screen. 2) Spock and McCoy are lovers. 3) Gene
Roddenberry, although a patient man, has
been doing this for so long
that he has little sympathy for the actors. 4) All of the characters
are a little devilish
and like to give Gene a hard time.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; Paramount does. I own this
story; there is
a difference. No posting without author's
permission. Flames and feedback welcomed.
Spock's Brain:
Kirk:
Spock, can you hear me?
Spock: Captain, is that you? There is a definite positive feeling
connected with the hearing
of your voice.
McCoy: Spock, where are you?
Spock: Doctor McCoy? Are you there with the Captain?
McCoy: Yes.
Spock:
Are you naked?
Gene: CUT!!! (Sighing heavily) You know damn well he's not naked.
Why do you do this to me?
Spock:
I asked him to be.
Gene: STOP!!! What did I tell you about giving me images?
Turnabout Intruder:
Kirk:
(Wearing a dress) You need to commit Doctor Lester. It's
obvious she's lost her sanity.
Spock: (staring) Um...Captain?
Kirk:
Yes?
Spock: Your...attire, Sir.
Kirk: What about it?
Gene: CUT!!! Jim, what the hell is that you're wearing?
Kirk:
One of Nyota's dresses.
Gene: I can see that. Why?
Kirk: You said I was playing a woman.
Gene: No, you're playing
a woman in Kirk's body who's just as
competent and...you know what? Get me the writer for this. This
plotline makes
no sense. Scrap this for now, guys!
The Savage Curtain:
Abraham Lincoln: I look forward to exploring your
ship, Captain.
Thank you for your hospitality.
Kirk: (About to plotz from excitement) It's my pleasure, Mister
Lincoln.
I admire you greatly. And Lieutenant Uhura will show you
around. Uhura?
Uhura: (Coming up behind them) Yes, Captain?
Kirk:
Would you show Mister Lincoln around? Give him the grand tour
of the ship?
Abraham Lincoln: What a charming Negress...I
suppose what I said was
wrong.
Uhura: You're damned right it's wrong. (Slaps him hard across the
cheek) Cracker.
Gene:
CUT! Nyota. We discussed this in the reading. It has to be
said so we can make a point about the future.
Uhura: Gene?
What do you think this is, a black exploitation film?
How would you like it if I called you a-
Gene: STOP! All right,
I get your point. We'll rework it.
Catspaw:
Spock: Look, Captain. Korab and Syliva in their true form. (Pointing
at
the two small blue puppets)
Kirk: (Biting his lip to keep from laughing) Yes. If it weren't
for...for their illusions...
Spock:
(also hiding a grin) Captain, this is a serious matter.
Kirk: Give me a second. (He grabs the puppets and begins to make
them
dance) This sure was a hard mission. Life can sure be a human
race.
Gene: (Slapping himself in the forehead) CUT! Jim,
I realize you
have a short attention span, but Jeeze, are you an idiot?
All Our Yesterdays:
McCoy: Something's
wrong.
Kirk: What's the matter? Why can't he get through?
Atoz: I don't know...unless, it's because they originally
went
through the portal together.
Kirk: Spock, McCoy, you can't get through unless you both go back at
the same time.
Hurry through the portal. Time is running out.
(Spock and McCoy exchange a look, then walk towards the portal,
slamming,
hard, into the stone)
Spock&McCoy: (In unison) Dammit!
Gene: CUT!!! Get me the head of the scenery director! (Noticing
that
they both seem to be bleeding) And get me M'Benga for some first
aid. Sorry guys.
The Apple:
Kirk:
We come in peace.
Native: You struck me...with your hand.
Kirk: How else am I supposed to strike you?
Gene: CUT!!
Jim, just get the line right. I want to get out of here
before nightfall...for once.
The Enterprise Incident:
McCoy:
Hand me the physio-stimulator.
Chapel: But he was dead. Their doctors certified it.
McCoy: Spock gave him a nerve pinch
to simulate death.
Chapel: So Mister Spock isn't a traitor? And you knew it all along-
McCoy: I didn't know anything
until I beamed aboard the Romulan
ship. Jim and Spock were acting under Federation orders. (uses
stimulator on Kirk)
Kirk:
(No response)
McCoy: (Furrows eyebrows and tries again) Come on, Jim.
Kirk: (Still no response)
McCoy: (Pulls on
Kirk's arm, which falls limp) Jim, this isn't
funny. Get up.
Chapel: (Scanning him) He fell asleep, Doctor.
Gene:
(Thoroughly exasperated) CUT!!! Goddammit! Wake him up. No,
wait, I have a better idea. (A bucket of water is thrown onto
the
biobed from off screen, McCoy steps out of the way just in time. It
lands all over Kirk) You have five minute to
dry off, grab a cup of
coffee and come back and finish this scene. Do I make myself clear?
The Man Trap:
Spock:
It wasn't McCoy. It was the creature. It hit me. Crater
grabbed my phaser. I'd wondered about McCoy. Doubt had crossed
my
mind.
Kirk: Doubt? Why? How'd you know?
Spock: It didn't swallow.
Gene: CUT!!! (Shuddering) Too much information!
Now do this again,
and Jim, you know better than to ask questions.
The Deadly Years:
Chekov: "The needle
won't hurt, Chekov. Take off your shirt, Chekov.
Roll over, Chekov. Breathe deeply, Chekov. Blood sample, Chekov.
Marrow
sample, Chekov. Skin sample, Chekov." If-If I live long
enough, I'm going to run out of samples.
Sulu: Oh, you'll live.
Chekov:
Not if you help me. Didn't your people make suicide into an
art form?
Sulu: Oh no.
Chekov: Please Sulu? I'd do the
same for you.
Gene: CUT!!! No suicide. We already had one of those back in the
first season and it got us into trouble
again. Chekov, do the comic
relief.
The Apple:
Kirk: But you say there's nothing to worry about?
Scotty:
I didn't say that, exactly.
Kirk: Well, stay on top of it. We've got a job to do here.
Scotty: I hear it's nice down
there.
Kirk: Yeah, it's nice. If we're a little more careful, we shouldn't
run into any more trouble.
Scotty: I could
do with a walk in a garden, with green leaves and
grass.
Kirk: We'll do the walking, Scotty. You get on the anti-matter
pod.
If it gets any worse, let me know, and we'll beam up.
Scotty: (Sighs) I guess I'll go read one of my technical
journals.
Sulu: What's with him in those technical journals?
DeSalle: You don't know? Technical journal is Scotty's
code word for
porno.
Sulu: What do you know? He's been having better shore leaves than
the rest of us after all!
Gene:
CUT!! Scotty, that's not the line. Hikaru, you know better
than to keep talking. DeSalle...respect the man's privacy, why
don't
you? We're going to do it again, and it's going to be perfect!
Friday's Child:
Eleen: How do you
know?
McCoy: I'm a doctor! That's how I know.
Eleen: I've never known one who could tell so much with just a touch.
McCoy:
(Not acknowledging her comments as he continues to look her
over)
Eleen: And your hands, so strong, so elegant.
Spock:
(Coming over the ridge and glaring at him.) Ahem.
McCoy: (Looking up and pulling his hand back)
Spock: Suffice to say
you will be sleeping on the sofa for the next
week, Leonard.
Gene: CUT!!! You're supposed to be unemotional. That look
was...like
you've been caught cheating. Editing, can we fix that? What do you
mean we can get rid of the extra dialogue
but it's too late to re-
shoot for expression? (Sighs) Fine. We'll just have to keep that
part and hope nobody notices.
The
Conscience of the King:
McCoy: Care for a snort, Spock?
Spock: No, thank you, Doctor. My father's race was spared
the
dubious effects of alcohol.
McCoy: Oh. No wonder they were conquered.
Spock: You can conquer me in bed any time,
Leonard. I even took the
liberty of taking a pair of restraints from security-
Gene: CUT!!! What did I tell you two
about keeping your private life
in the bedroom? Nobody cares what the hell the two of you are doing
to each other in
bed, but keep it out of the film.
Chapel: (Off camera) Well, you were right, Nyota. Len's on top.
Here's the twenty
I owe you.
That was exceedingly deranged, but a great deal of fun too. And the
next time I get writer's
block, I'm sure I'll be able to make more
of these. But until then...
Finit
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