TO: ALL STARFLEET PERSONNEL ONBOARD I.S.S. ENTERPRISE
FROM: STARFLEET INTELLIGENCE AND PERSONNELLE HEADQUARTERS
INSTRUCTIONS: Read each of these questions and answer them in the best
possible detail. Send them back to HQ in one week. All missing or late
entries will be put on record, and said personnel will be sent to the agony
booth onboard ship.
NAME: Leonard H. McCoy M.D.
RANK: Lieutenant Commander
CURRENT LOCATION: Somewhere between sickbay, my quarters and the First
CURRENT OCCUPATION: First Officer's man
EYES: Two of them
ANY SERIOUS ILLNESSES, ALLERGIES OR BIRTH DEFECTS? Let's see, I'm allergic to
peanuts, and I seem to have a permanent migraine. But I'm sure that's from
being on this ship more than anything else. Birth defects? Well, ever since I
was a little boy, I realized that I had an insatiable appetite for cravings
of the flesh.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? Nope, and thank God for that. Siblings only serve
to annoy you and then rat you out to the people in charge. They'd just spoil
our fun, eh Spock? (M-Spock, ready to begin meditation: Correct Doctor. And
we both know what happens when I get ratted on. M-Len: I sure as
Hell do, Spock)
DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? Nah, if anything, I'm more of the pet. Not that anyone
around here is complaining about that, eh Spock? (M-Len looks toward Spock,
dressing himself for meditation. M-Spock: No, Doctor, I could hardly say I
mind you being my pet. M-Spock turns towards the meditation alcove.)
ARE YOU AN ANIMAL LOVER? IF SO, DO YOU PREFER THE CUTE/FURRY KIND OR
THE UGLY/SCALEY KIND? Animals? Aboard this ship? And I'd have to feed it and
keep it healthy, no thanks. I got enough of that with the crew.
DO YOUR RANKING SUBORDINATES PLOT BEHIND YOUR BACK? (M-Len: Spock, who's
trying to kill me this week? M-Spock, from his meditation alcove, annoyed:
M'Benga, it's always M'Benga.) You heard the man, Dr. M'Benga from life
IS YOUR CURRENT RIVAL IN RANK EASILY BRIBED? What rival in rank? I don't have
one. Plus, I got protection (evil grin and mischievous eyes looking towards
the meditation alcove)
HOW MANY PILLOWS DO YOU SLEEP WITH? One large one, stuffed with the hair of
my patients. It's not the most comfortable thing in the Galaxy, but it serves
ARE YOU A HOBBY COLLECTOR (toys, books, baseball cards, etc)? I have a nice
skull collection in sickbay. Although, the way I came by those skulls is far
more gruesome a tale.
DO YOU LIKE EXOTIC FOODS? Sure
ARE YOU A GOURMET OR A GOURMAND? Gourmand. Doesn't matter though, the food
all tastes like cardboard anyway.
WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? Blue grass
HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED (that you can admit to)? Two, counting Nurse
Diesel, although there's a Hell of a story behind that. The other was Dr.
Mark Piper. I had to have gotten this job somehow, right?
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S GOAL? Surviving this mission, maybe getting a place with
the First officer. Sexual servitude doesn't sound like that bad a life, as
long as I have the right owner. (M-Spock, rising from the alcove: My
meditation can wait. Join me as soon as you finish this, Doctor. I'll be in
DO YOU POSSESS UNCANNY POWERS? I can run faster than a speeding bullet, leap
tall building in a single bound, and suture anything, living or dead, with my
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO USE YOUR ISS-ISSUED FLEET DAGGER? Hmm (throwing it across
the room so it lands right between the eyes of a picture of Sulu) yeah, I'd
say I do.
DID YOU JOIN STARFLEET TO AVOID A PRISON SENTENCE? No, although I'm convinced
I'll leave it with one.
DO CRIMINAL ACTIVITES RUN IN YOUR FAMILY? Nope, we're relatively simple folk.
We avoid the law; the law avoids us. Everybody wins.
DO YOU SEE THINGS NO ONE ELSE SEES? For the Hell of it, sure. I see dead
IF YOU COULD RE-DESIGN THE UNIFORM, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE FIRST? Well,
they're Hell on the neck, so I'd have that changed, I guess. Although those
pants leave nothing to the imagination. Not that that's always a bad thing.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU COMMITTED ESPIONAGE FOR THE EMPIRE? Three times, once
with the Klingons, who captured me and I ended up serving as their physician,
once with the Romulans, who captured Spock and tried to get him as some sort
of breeding stock, and once on that weird planet of rat people. The less said
about that mission, the better.
DO YOU HAVE ANY DISTINGUISHING SCARS OR TATTOOS? Oh, I got a tattoo alright,
of course, if you were to see it, you wouldn't need to worry about the
ARE YOU CURRENTLY ADDICTED TO ANY DANGEROUS SUBSTANCES? Addicted, sure.
Dangerous, only to those who cross him.